Losing a baby is heartbreaking

WARNING: this blog is about loving life. Whilst today’s post is sad for me to write and possibly sad for you to read, I wanted to share a heartache with you and express my gratitude for surviving it.

When a doctor confirms a miscarriage or non-viable pregnancy your heart stops beating. Your breathing becomes shallow. Time just stops for a moment. Your hearing becomes muffled. Your world starts to spin. The tears instantly swell. Its in that moment that you realise that life as you know it will never be the same again.

Losing a pregnancy baby is heartbreaking. Losing three babies is devastating.

A year ago today, I lost my third baby. The drama and trauma surrounding that loss will haunt me for the rest of my days. You see, I’m a sufferer of ectopic pregnancies. Each pregnancy I achieve, I have a 75% chance of losing it. My babies keep misbehaving and implanting in the wrong spots.

Happy times, before the diagnosis

Happy times, before the diagnosis

My previous two ectopics were located in my right fallopian tube and subsequently removed. My third pregnancy was deemed a cornual ecoptic, the worst kind. For weeks and weeks, I was forced to visit the hospital every 2nd day for a blood test and a scan. Every niggle, every pain was carefully monitored.

On Tuesday 11DEC, hubby and I saw our bubba on the screen. A perfect little bean occupying my uterus with a beautiful heartbeat of 105. In those few short seconds, my life was perfect. However, I knew the statistics and I knew my chances of keeping this bubba were slim. Then, the sonographer revealed the pregnancy was non-viable. Those words carry a horrid sting and numbness. For me, that’s when time stood still and my world started to spin.

My OBGYN told us that removing this pregnancy was major surgery. Four women out of 11 don’t survive the surgery. {More awful statistics}. He wanted to make a case study out of me and put together a highly qualified surgical team. He’d never heard of a woman having 3 consecutive ectopic pregnancies before. {Gosh, did that make me feel special}. He wanted the head of OBGYN to do the surgery with him.

The surgery was scheduled for 2 days time, Thursday 13DEC 2012.

On the morning of the surgery, I woke up in horrific pain. I walked to the bathroom and collapsed. Hubby called an ambulance. The next couple of hours are a blur. I drifted in and out of consciousness. The emergency hospital staff told me I was bleeding internally. My OBGYN arrived and the look on his face said it all. What we didn’t want to happen, was happening. The pregnancy had ruptured and I was now at risk of a hysterectomy if the bleeding couldn’t be controlled.

The pain I experienced before surgery was blinding. The morphine helped NOTHING. I screamed like I’d never screamed before. My hubby and my mum, my poor mum who had just buried her own mum {my grandmother} a few days earlier, collapsed in a heap against the wall. There was nothing they could do to help me.

Then the lights went out ……… and I woke up.

The nurse looked at me and told me I’d survived the surgery. I immediately said a prayer of thanks. Never in my life was I so thankful and grateful to be breathing, pain free, but breathing.

  • I asked her if I was still pregnant and her answer was ‘no’.
  • I asked her if I still had my uterus and her answer was ‘The Dr removed half of your uterus’.
  • I asked her if I needed a blood transfusion and she said ‘nearly … but no’.
  • My final question was, “does my husband and mother know I’m OK” and she said ‘yes’.

The days, weeks and months that followed 13DEC 2012 were hard work. I wasn’t allowed to return to work for 4 weeks. I wasn’t allowed to exercise for 3 months. I wasn’t allowed to fall pregnant for 12 months. I found it really difficult to leave the house. I was surprised by the loneliness I felt afterwards. Friends and family seemed to vanish when the grief arrived. My GP diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder. I started seeing a counsellor. I started seeing a life coach. I returned to work. I had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward.

Reflecting back on it all, I have to believe THAT day was my rock bottom. Believing that gives me strength to keep trucking and not get swallowed up by the grief of losing another baby and nearly losing my life.

I didn’t think I’d be able to smile again. I didn’t think I’d ever want to laugh again but the past 12 months have been filled with so many happy moments. I’m blessed and full of gratitude to my OBGYN for saving me. I’m thankful for great friends who got me out of the house and moving again.

So, where to from here? My arms still ache for a baby, they always will. Hubby and I still don’t know how our life will pan out from here. Maybe we’ll get lucky. Maybe we’ll accept it and close the door to parenthood. But for now, we’re hopeful our stork will find our home one day. sig1

 

 

 

 

PS – Some of you know that I keep a separate blog about our baby making years. The blog contains five years worth of TTC woes and I’d be happy to share the link with you if you like. Just contact me.

 

 

49 Comments

  • Heavenly says:

    I didn’t know about your story. My heart is with you. I think it is very brave of you to share your experiences and to be so honest about what you went through. I pray that one day you have your miracle baby.
    *kisses* H

  • What an incredible, heartbreaking, amazing and inspiring story! I hung onto every single word. Oh my goodness, where do I begin? A prayer and blessing that you are here to tell the story and my most heartfelt condolences and sympathy for the incredible loss you have endured in your motherhood journey. May the stars align and your prayers be answered and a little baby be snuggled up in your arms very soon. Thank you for sharing this x

  • Thank you for being so brave and sharing this with us, B. I too am praying that you get your little miracle. I don’t know anyone more deserving x

  • Pip says:

    Such a difficult post to write Brooke. I can’t imagine the pain of losing all that hope and imaginings a new little life in you fosters. It’s incredible you’re sharing your story and journey as I imagine it would make many feel less alone and give people like me insight into what incredible strength people are capable of. x

    • TheLoverList says:

      Hey Pip, super difficult post to write but honestly I feel better for writing it. It’s a big release and a weight lifted now that I’m sharing our story. Thanks for stopping by and reading xx

  • Wow this post must have been so hard to write but thanks so much for sharing. So many people hide stories like these and pretend that this stuff doesn’t happen, but im so glad that there are brave people like you out there that are willing to share what they have been through. Im so sorry for your losses and hope that one day you have your perfect little family (whatever that may turn out to be!). xx

  • lilalittlewolff says:

    I’m so sorry for your losses. I had an ectopic pregnancy and it went undiscovered until my tube ruptured. The pain you describe is so awful and the hollow feeling I felt afterwards, to go through it more than that once is unimaginable. So sorry you had to go through this and I hope that you never do again. x

    • TheLoverList says:

      Thanks Lila. I’m so sorry you too have suffered a rupture. I’m sure you’ll agree with me that you’d never wish that experience upon your first enemy.
      I really appreciate you stopping by to read my story and even more thankful that you left a comment.

  • Lyn Bailey says:

    Thanks so much for sharing your story, Brooke. Over the years, I have nursed, counselled and coached so many women who have suffered the loss of their babies. While losing a baby is always a tragedy, so many people do not realise the trauma, heartache and grief that surrounds losing a precious baby in early pregnancy. In the olden days (my day), women were expected to get over this loss as quickly as possible and never talk about it. It took me over 20 years to come to terms with the loss of my first baby at 22 weeks gestation, and, then, talk to my husband about it. We had both carried the loss in our hearts all those years and never discussed it. We cried together for the first time, and gave our precious bundle a name, Grant. I went back to work four days later as a midwife, bringing babies into the world, and it was never mentioned by anyone, including my OBGYN, who was working beside me at some of those deliveries. It fills me with joy and gratitude that women like you are able to share your story and, not only help yourself move forward in life (you never get over it, you just learn to move forward and embrace every day), but also give other women who have lost a baby at any stage of their pregnancy, through any circumstances, permission to grieve for their precious loss.
    In light and love,
    Lyn

    • TheLoverList says:

      Aunty Lyn, this is beyond touching. Thank you for sharing your story with me about baby Grant. What a horrific trauma to endure and never talk about.
      Even after 12 months of grieving, I understand the term ‘you never get over it, you just learn to move forward’. Life is such a blessing and I can’t wait to find out what the future holds.
      B xx

  • Belle says:

    Oh goodness B, I am so sorry that your beautiful soul has been to hell and back. Thank you for sharing, my heart just broke for you. Your strength is amazing and you deserve than your own little precious miracle to arrive xxxx

  • Danielle Laubscher says:

    Oh Brooke, I’m sitting here crying my eyes out for the pain you both have gone through – I don’t know what to say, or think, or feel as I was one of the lucky ones. You will always hold a special place in my heart even though we don’t see each other. My thoughts and prayers are with you both – you are amazing, strong, beautiful people that deserve better. Lots of love Danni xxx

  • Trish MLDB says:

    I’m so sorry for your losses and your rupture & surgery. How terrifying.
    Thank you for sharing your heartbreak, from one mother to another who has lost a baby , your pain resonates with me. I waited 16yrs to get my little boys in 2006 (I lost their sister @26wks in 2004).
    I agree with Aunty Lyn.
    Never give up hope.

  • Beckham says:

    My heart broke for you as I read this post and the tears rolled down my cheeks. I don’t think I have wished anyone a bigger virtual hug than I am sending your way right now. Hoping that the next 12 months are much kinder and filled with more of those happy moments you have sought out this year. Thank you for sharing something so personal and writing it so beautifully xx

  • Kim Seeley says:

    What a story, written so beautifully. My precious little girl named Brooke died at the age of one week. She was full term and perfect but little did we know she had major internal problems. She was 3 days when we knew something was wrong and she was rushed to the Childrens Hospital where they struggled to save her with 3 operations. Unfortunately, she passed away and although the days get easier you never ever forget. I pray that you will have a successful pregnancy very soon

  • camparigirl says:

    My girl, it took guts to write this so openly and so candidly. It says a lot about where you are in the grieving process. It also says a lot about the kind of inner strength you have. Sure, your family and friends helped you out of this but the biggest job was yours. Wherever you both go from here, good luck. Sometimes our dreams don’t realize exactly the way we had planned them but realize they do. Keep on wishing.

    • TheLoverList says:

      Thanks Claudia. It took a mountain of courage to hit the publish button on this post but I felt ready to write it and share it. Thanks for the kind words and I really appreciate you taking the time out to leave me this comment x

  • Oh sweet girl, i am so so sorry for all you have been through. You are every kind of awesome for sharing your story with us and I hope that your arms will one day soon be full of everything you hope for. Lots and lots of love xx

    • TheLoverList says:

      Sonia, Sonia, Sonia …… thanks for stopping by. My arms will be filled with bottles of champagne over Xmas and NYE however I’ll happily swap the bottles for a baby any day. xx

  • Melina says:

    oh thank you for sharing your story…so raw and honest and I had a little cry at the end…I hope you get your wish one day very soon xx

  • Pia says:

    Brooke, THANKYOU for sharing!!! What a touching story. I had a miscarriage at the beginning of the year but I can only imagine what losing 3 and going through all that pain and trauma must be like. Your courage and optimism is contagious and I truly hope this story has a beaming, happy end for you xxx

  • Carla says:

    Thank you for sharing your story Brooke. I hope the stork beats the odds and visits you whenever and if you are ready to start trying again. You are courageous xx

    • TheLoverList says:

      Thanks Carla. Six years of trying to have a baby and I’m just about out of courage, money and hope. But there is still something inside that screams I’m not done trying just yet. B xx

  • Helen says:

    A beautifully honest post. Sending you hope and lots more happiness, from a fellow blog-heart <3

    • TheLoverList says:

      Thanks for dropping by Helen. I have all the hope and happiness a girl could wish for at the moment. I might not have a baby in my arms but life is pretty awesome at the moment. Enjoy the BEBH course babe xx

  • Serena says:

    Hey Brooke,
    I have read so many posts on your blog but somehow only today i have seen this one… I have had an topic over ten years ago, didn’t know that i was pregnant until i completely broke down in pain after several weeks of unexplained coming and going pains. Was rushed to emergency department, luckily they could save my tubes. And as you know i had my twins years later… with a bit of a different start but we all made it.
    Today i had a bit of a shit day, questioning everything… reading your post just now brought tears to my eyes and also the feeling of gratitude… For beautiful woman like you i’m coming across in my life who are strong and amazing and sharing their stories… their lives, their skills and helping changing lives… like mine… Thank you for sharing xxx

    • TheLoverList says:

      Oh Serena – the power of sharing a story seems to give people a little boost. They find the courage to raise their hand up and say, ‘this happened to me as well’. Thank you for stopping by yesterday and sharing your story with me. I’m also grateful to work with women like you and and share in your story xx

  • lulu says:

    Hey there – sadly I’ve just been through three consecutive miscarriages. As I type this I’m as high as a kite on the antibiotics I’m on to clear the infection from the d and c. I’d love the link to your 5 years worth of travels for I too believe that I am on that ride!

  • lulu says:

    thanks so much. I’m feeling better and have now started my own blog to talk of the pain and the reality. I’d love to help other women who are going through this. It’s called hopeandtea.com. Sorry to ask again but if I could get to read some of your stories I think it would help

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