I wish I was pregnant

Last week the lady who makes my take-away coffee asked me if I was married. I told her I’d been married for 7 wonderful years.

I held my breath and waited for the inevitable question that follows the marriage question.

“Do you have children?”. My answer was a short and firm ‘no’.

“What? Why not? You should have kids! You’d be a great mum”.

I think my response shocked her. “My husband and I can’t have children. Thanks for the coffee and have a nice day”.

I fought back a whole-lotta silly tears and made a bee line for the lifts to my office. Having a mini breakdown in the middle of the coffee shop ain’t my style. I know my response would have left her feeling a little bad but I wasn’t going to lie to her.

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To top it off, one of my colleagues yesterday asked me if I was pregnant. {I swear I’m never wearing that dress again!}

I am not pregnant. I wish I was pregnant. But I am not pregnant.

I struggle everyday with the infertility stuff. There was a moment in time when I was very private about it but there comes a point when you realise talking about it to family/friends/coffee shop ladies ….. just makes you stronger. 

People tell me all the time that I’m brave for sharing my infertility ‘woe-me’ stories. Maybe I am. Maybe I just over share. But I hope my car crash over-sharing helps other women feel like they are not alone.

I understand the coffee shop lady was curious. People in general are curious as to why no children exist after 7 years of marriage. Most of the time I’m strong enough to tell them about my 3 babies and how I lost them, but sometimes a topic is too sensitive and it hurts like hell to talk about it. It’s really painful to think back and reflect on the moments my babies grew wings and became my angels. It makes my ovaries ache and my womb sob.

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I hope this serves as a good reminder for you, and a good reminder for me that we all struggle with something. Asking super personal questions can do damage. Be aware.

So, I’m not pregnant. I don’t have human children. I want them. Badly. But life doesn’t always give us what we want. Perhaps hubby and I are meant to hike the Mt Everest pathway to parenthood. Maybe a surrogate will knock on our door. Maybe we need to explore adoption in depth. Maybe the universe will read this and send a stork our way.

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Image credit My Baby Lover Pinterest board

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18 Comments

  • I always cringe when i get asked that question. It is one that i never, ever ask. Frankly, it is not my business no matter how well i know the person. Not. My. Business.

    I know i’ve said it before, but i will say it again, you are one of the bravest, strongest, most giving people i know, B. Sharing your story provides comfort, hope and reassurance to the many women (couples) going through fertility issues that perhaps don’t feel brave enough to talk about it. Hats off to you honey and sending much love xxx

    • TheLoverList says:

      Thanks Megan. Sometimes I cringe when asked the question and other times I’m an open book about it. I know that sharing my journey with other women is helping them. B xx

  • Chantal Roelofs says:

    Thanks for sharing this Brooke. You are brave and wonderful and strong for doing so. I don’t think its oversharing at all – you will be lifting others, and affirming so many other women who are on such a similar path as you. Our journey was so similar – losing 5 little ones on our way to having two healthy wonderful girls, a very long 10 year roller coaster of a journey. Big hugs to you. x

  • Hi. Brooke, I just wanted to say I’m new to your blog, in fact this is the first post I’ve read. I’m sorry you have to walk this road, it’s really not fair that it’s the path that the best people are given. I’ve always made a point of never asking people the “kid” question unless I am 100% certain I know their story, ie. only people I’ve known for a very long time. You are right that we can’t know the story for everyone. I don’t understand why there are still people that don’t get that asking the kid-question, especially to people you don’t know, is just not a good idea. And that if someone is married and doesn’t have kids, especially after quite a few years, that’s it’s probably a very personal reason that they don’t have kids and it’s no strangers business!

    Look forward to reading more of your posts xx

  • Hi Brooke,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. So often people will ask regular questions and they don’t realise how hurtful they can be. I’ve had that before too and it just hurts. I really have my fingers crossed for you on your baby journey, and I am so proud of you for being so open and honest.

    I’m looking forward to connecting more with you and the Lover List X

  • I’m praying for the stork making a surprise visit to yours Brooke xx

  • You’re amazing for sharing this! Some people honestly don’t think before they speak but I admire that you’re just straight back with them, it at least will open their eyes to the fact that there are many reasons people would not get married or have children and that it is a personal thing that we cannot judge. I hope that you are blessed to have children in your life one day whether yours or others! x

    • TheLoverList says:

      HAHAHA! I just find it hard to bite my tongue babe. I know I should probably come up with a response to ‘soften’ the shock of my inability to carry babies, but sometimes the truth is all we need to open our eyes and minds.
      PS – Thx for dropping by babe!

  • I remember cracking the odd ‘joke’, asking people when were going to get down to business and have a baby. That was before my own fertility problems happened. Now I would never dream of asking someone about their baby plans. You never know what they’ve been through. I just wish I could go back and smack my pre-fertility-problem self and tell her to shut up and not be so rude!

  • I used to ask that question and I regret every time I did, because when I was trying to get pregnant I actually started avoiding people so I wouldn’t have to answer it. I suddenly ‘got it’. You never ever know what people are going through and struggling with, even if they never ever tell you.
    Case in point: I have a friend who went through ten years of trying to have a baby and they tried everything – and I mean EVERYTHING. They decided, with much sadness, to stop. And when they did, she got so sick of having to chronicle her infertility journey with everyone who thought she and her husband should be parents and why didn’t they try this and do that and blah blah blah, she just started telling people they didn’t want children. She told me it was easier that way. Waah. 🙁

  • Jodie says:

    I feel like this came to me at exactly the right time. Thank you Brooke xx
    I spent 10 years terrified of falling pregnant before I was ready and being nervous that it would happen by accident. Now I am terrified that it wont happen and every time I decline an alcoholic drink someone will scoff “Are you pregnant are you?” and ill have to laugh and pretend like I dont want to be.
    People can be such dicks sometimes.

  • Meg says:

    So much love darling! You’re more than keeping my light shining bright! M xx

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